Sunday, May 6, 2012

'Fixing' Things

It has been quite a crazy weekend!! I graduated from college and was overwhelmed by the kindness and gifts and support from my friends and family! There is some news that makes me very sad that was released this weekend. Lots of emotions and craziness. But I want to focus on something that is just eating me up, I just want to set the record straight for myself.

Today, I was taking some pictures on campus with some friends and I saw my ex-boyfriend. Now, when we broke up a couple years ago, I was very upset and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to change my ways and I wanted him to change his ways. I wanted do something or say something to fix it. I tried all sorts of tactics and nothing worked. It took me awhile (and a few Bible studies full of growth) to realize that God had a different plan for me and that he just wasn't the boy for me and that our relationship did not need to be fixed.

The only reason I bring this up is because it has happened again to me (not a boyfriend, just a friend) and today there was a comment said and thoughts just flooded my head and I really truly realized that I don't need or want to fix it. I have changed a lot this past year. Student teaching has changed me. Epilepsy has changed me. Africa changed me. My relationship with God continues to change. I have formed some wonderful relationship with my Accountability group at church, with my old friend Cassie (who has also changed), and with my boyfriend, Tripp. My changes and their changes have worked together. We have changed each other, we have supported each other. This is good.

My relationship with another friend has not changed in a positive way. And that is ok. I have been trying for so long now just to fix it. For awhile, I just tried to ignore it thinking it would be ok. But these past year, it has become very not okay and impossible to ignore. So I've tried new tactics, just like with my ex. I've tried being mean, being nice, ignoring it, providing space, etc. Nothing has worked and I think this is why: It is not something that can be fixed, just like my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We can never go back to the way things were. We can look back fondly on memories, we can pray for each other, and we can support each other to a certain point. But you can't force a relationship. Relationships need some commonality. Sometimes people change to a point where they don't like to do the same things, they don't have many of the same friends, they don't like to talk about the same things. And that's ok. Diversity is a good thing but it doesn't mean we have to be best friends with everyone.

It was just too ironic, no too much a sign from God to see my ex today and to think about how silly I was to continually try to fix our relationship and then to hear a comment about fixing this current broken relationship. I like to fix things, it's just who I am. But there comes a point where things, like some relationships, can't just be mended. There is no clear cut line, there is no easy solution. But I know God has a reason for everything and I know that I have been tested and have learned from all that has happened in this situation.

This blog is not meant to offend, it is just my thoughts for the night. I continue to pray for all those in my life, especially those who may cause offense or pain for me.

Thanks to all for the support and prayer in this situation.

--Nothing Without Him--